Mumbled Musings

Truth Tube One

2010-02-23T00:18:00.003-07:00

Time to go about cleansing 22 years and starting again.

Here's where I start:

314lbs
5' 2"
57.6% BMI
65in waist
35 biological age

!!!!!!!!!!!!Let the games begin!!!!!!!!!!!

I've Been Asleep For Years

2009-08-02T22:44:00.002-06:00

So much has happened. Too much really.

My brother got a poco loco girlfriend that he moved in with us a year and a half ago.
The first boy I ever loved was killed in a car crash.
I somehow managed to gain 70lbs.
Graduated high school finally.
Lost my mind a bit.
Found out that I have something that will probably prevent me from ever getting pregnant.
Fell in a fan girl haze for soooo many more people, artists and music.
Went back to my job at Source Adult Video.
Registered for a screenwriting course.
Lost and regained touch with family numerous times.
Brothers' crazy girlfriend gets pregnant.
Brothers' crazy girlfriend gets an abortion.
We keep it a secret from everyone else.
More of my mums' teeth fall out.
I came out to my mum as a bisexual and it takes her 6 months to accept that it's true.
6 more months and she still doesn't really like acknowledge it.
And I turn 22 and realize I'm in the same place I was at 18.

A pretty crazy year and a half and so far it really doesn't show any signs of slowing down and time soon. Maybe I'll visit more often to rant. God knows that if I did during the last year life might have been a little easier to stomach and it would have bore witness to all this insanity.

Long Overdue Picture and Yet Another Fan Girl Moment

2007-11-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

Yah so it's been awhile. Life got crazy and I went into retreat. It happens four times a year or so. Okay so my uncle got his money. My brother is still being a pain in the ass and that guy never called. So all is right in the world.

Long overdue Storm and The Ball pics are up. Look up Look waayyyyyyyy up.

Was a very kick ass show. And I got to meet the woman herself. Very cool.

Also just last month I got to see Lukas Rossi do an acoustic set at Jet nightclub. Also got to meet him and said awesome way too much.

A good time was had by all. That's it for now but be warned I will be back.

When and Why??

2007-09-24T17:09:00.000-06:00

I got a phone call from that Grandmother I was told was at deaths door. My 33 year old uncle had composed himself a nice little sob story about being broke and being on the edge of homelessness. A state he is quite accustomed to. So this woman I haven't truly spoken to since I was 13 years old is calling me and asking me what i make of his email.

" I hurt my back so i can't work. I haven't eaten in three days. Rent due and I'd rather die than be homeless again. "

The last time this happened he ended up hold up in my brother's room smoking his smokes and half of my brother's weed for a year.

So I did the thing I've been doing for years. Said I'd check up on him and make sure everything was okay. Just now passing the time until my ride gets here and I can't help but ask myself some questions this whole situation brings up.

When the fuck did it become my job to make sure this family is looked after. I'm in the middle of everything. When my aunt calls my mom pushes the phone to me and whispers 'I'm not here'. We talk and after I'm asked if I think she's manic again. My dad phones and my brother says 'I'm not here' and I'm asked how much I think he's had to drink tonight. My grandmother calls and I'm asked to make sure my uncle is still alive.

I'm twenty years old. He's thirty three. And I'm the one that needs to help him out.

When and why did it become my responsibility?

Birthday Came Early This Year

2007-07-22T03:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight was one of the most awesome nights of my life. When to see Storm and The Balls at the Metro. There are not enough words to describe how amazing it was. Drank far too much. I sweat most of it out by the end of the first song. Afterward Storm listened to me chatter on like a fan girl for a bit and gave me a hug. Got a picture and then got dragged to this god forsaken country bar. Not three minutes in the door and a cute guy comes over. i did that stupid, what? who me? thing and he just grabbed my hand and led me to the bar. Thirty minutes later I'm making out with him on the dance floor. Phone number given. Probably phone number thrown away.

Holy Shit, fuckin twilight zone Batman.

I got kissed and got to meet one of the coolest women walking the face of the earth.

Tomorrow I'll post pictures and tell you if the answer to avoiding a hangover is a loud rock show and tongue kissing.

To The Teeth

2007-07-21T00:56:00.000-06:00

It stabs at me every time she shows me the newest infection or places the newest small piece of tooth that just feel out. I should be able to do something. I can feel mine starting to go too. The cavities have been left too long. My jaw cracks and my whole head hurts. The government tells us that dentist aren't covered and I just don't have the $300 for one x-ray.

Meeting Of The Something

2007-06-29T00:51:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I've got a possibly life changing meeting to go to. this may in fact be the something drastic that's been looming. More later. Holding your breath will only lead to a little nap and a big headache.

Around My Finger

2007-06-26T13:54:00.001-06:00

As I come around my finger I realize it's been far too long. The blinding white behind crossed eyes, the deafening silence that drowns out the sirens and proof that I'm still able to feel this have all been missed. The first time I'm left alone for months and the pull is incredible. For a moment the wait was worth it. I can feel my heartbeat in my bottom lip. For once in so long all I can hear is the wind through the curtains, the Matt Good on the stereo and the beating of my own heart.

There's peace in this moment. I look up to smile at the blue sky and the clouds.
Peace. What a novel concept?

Rain

2007-06-21T00:27:00.000-06:00

Today the rain came. Lightning gave us warning. We stood on the balcony four floors up watching the storm roll in. We look up to the tip of this five story tree. My insides squirm and cervix contracts. Heights bring out the sex in me. We all get that tingling feeling when we're in past our heads its the same feeling I get when I'm on my knees with his hand on my head. The thrill, the fright. the fear. Waiting for the storm to come. Lightning leading the way. Hell they told us it would be sunshine today.

That's Called.

2007-06-07T20:31:00.000-06:00

Having your face pressed against a wall against your will is losing control. Feeling the cold plaster against your tired face with someone you love screaming as loud as he can with his lips pressed to your ears is feeling alone. Feeling his palm pressing into your teeth, thinking about how easy it would be to finally draw blood and deciding that you'll only get it worse is feeling hopeless. Feeling the saliva and snot his snarling face has left in your hair is feeling degraded. Feeling his steps coming back right as you start to think it's over for now is feeling scared. Feeling him against the opposite side is feeling just as bad. Feeling no one knows how much that just hurt you is feeling worthless. Feeling that this is my baby brother screaming, causing the ringing and the crying well that's feeling unloved.

Today was a really bad day. I quit my job. That's called feeling useless.

The Number 20

2007-06-05T22:31:00.000-06:00

Gone are the days where sitting around doing nothing feels good. Gone are the days of ten consecutive hours of tv. Gone are the days of writers block excuses. Gone are the days of quitting a job because someone said the wrong thing one too many times to me. Gone are the days of sleeping til noon. After all I'm an adult now.

With my twentieth birthday looming life is being reevaluated. Starting a new job tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Same Old, Boring Same Old

2007-05-15T14:54:00.000-06:00

Nothing new hence the lack of new entries. Sorry about that. Something drastic is about to happen. I can just feel it. I'll keep ya posted.

New New Years

2007-03-22T16:18:00.000-06:00

Tonight I go into the belly of the beast. Tonight my uncle is having his own art show. Which is beyond cool. Family is nothing but supportive so I'll be there. I am prepared to be completely out of my comfort zone and completely out of place. Tonight i will feel more self-conscience then I have in awhile. But I will go and push another one of my boundries. Me and my family had our Christmas a couple weeks ago so I guess this is like a new years resolution. Take more responsibility and push myself into doing things that could really good for me. Yay me.

Telling The Truth

2007-03-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

Today I sat in the waiting room of my doctor's office. debating whether or not to tell him something I have to tell someone. After an hour I decide to keep it to myself. I'm sitting there face to face with him. He's running through the symptoms of depression. I nod to almost every one. When he gets to the last one he assumes that I won't nod.

"And feelings of wanting to others or yourself. Not that you ever would but the feelings are there."

I nod. His face slackens. He asks me how I think about it. I don't tell him the whole truth. I tell him it's when I'm crying hard that it gets really bad. That much is true. He thinks this is new. He thinks this started when everything else did. I tell him that when it gets really bad I get an intense craving to cut myself. He's the only person I've ever told this. It started about a year and a half ago. I've managed to stop myself every time. I tried to tell someone else once. A while ago it was on the tip of my tongue and I just couldn't get it out. Today it came out easily. I couldn't look him in the eye and my voice was shaking but I finally told someone. He explains what this feeling is. Like I haven't agonized over every reason, every excuse. When I leave it's with a new prescription in my pocket and the sun is shining.

It's beautiful outside and I walk home.

today was a good day.

Sloppy Firsts

2007-02-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

The first and only guy I ever blew is in the next room right now. He's one of my brother's friends. It all happened the first of only two times I've ever been high. When my brother fell asleep he came in to my room. i was into him for awhile but never said anything because he was my little brothers friend. I was 16 he was 15. It was my first anything really. The only time I'd even been kissed before was when I was thirteen. And in three seconds that guy managed to inject a mouth full of spit as I was trying my hardest not to laugh at the clinking of teeth. Kissing my second first was no better. Completely opened mouth, forcing his tongue into my mouth, the taste of smoke in his throat. I almost gagged at the taste of it. Slobbering pathetic gropings. but what did I know. I remember that night clearly. The way he told me how he like it. The way his whole body clenched when he was done The way he tasted in my mouth. And the way I swallowed on instinct. I remember the morning too. The way he said he didn't remember. The way I so easily overlooked it. The way after the initial sting of rejection I didn't care so much. The way I kept it to myself for a year. The way I still liked him. How easy it was to carry on like nothing had happened. When in fact it was a moment I will always remember.

All my firsts have been unsatisfactory. My first kiss, my first blow job, my first sex. All of them one time things. All of them things I have never done since.

The night I lost my virginity was a one night stand. A friend of a friend I had only ever talked to on MSN messenger. After I made it clear I wasn't looking for a boyfriend out of the deal it was smooth sailing. Pick me up, take me to a private place outside, lift up my skirt, go to town, drive me home. No kiss. No foreplay. It wasn't that bad but I would have probably been more satisfied with a night spent in my room alone with my thoughts. At least then I would have had an orgasm. He drove me home in complete silence and the most vivid memory he left me with was the way my thighs hurt because the grass had clung to the wetness there and rubbed when I walked.

It's been three and a half years since that night and it was the last time I've had sex. I might as well just call myself a nun and be done with it. I swear to fuck i must have 'One Time Use Only' stamped on my forehead.

I've lived a life of sloppy firsts. All I can do know is hope for better seconds.

The Under and The Over

2007-02-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling abandoned. I've been feeling crowded. I've been feeling found out. I've been feeling lost. I've been feeling over. I've been feeling under. I've been feeling scared. I've been feeling strong. I've been feeling left behind. I've been feeling followed around. The over and under of being whelmed.

Been spending money like we have it. Been controlled. Been unhinged. Been animated. Been catatonic. Been giving like there's something there. Been looking in the mirror for imperfections. Been finding that's all I have. Been spending my days with solitaire. Been losing more than winning. Been spending my days listening to passionate folk music. Been bawling my eyes out. Been failing. Been floating. Been longing. Been hoping. Been starving. Been broken. Been full and falling. Been waiting for home to come home.

The under and over of whelmed.

Tipping The Balance of Power

2007-01-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

My body is rebelling against itself. I can feel every part of me that is not supposed to be there. For two days I've been curled up clutching my stomach begging for just one hour of sleep. I would not be so lucky. My lips are cracked from the dehydration and my head is aching from the lack of sleep. This isn't the first time. Nor will it be the last. Every so often my body will do its best to send me a strong and clear message. "You haven't been taking care of me and today is the day you're gonna pay for it." Well for now my debt is paid up. Time to go back to abusing until its time for me to pay up again.

I guess now its back to Hamlet and the pesky need to read it to graduate.

Forgive and Forget!?!?!?

2007-01-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about death. The complete inevitability of it, the importance we place on keeping it at bay and the way people react to the thought that death is fast approaching. Today I was at the bank opening a saving account and she asked me if I wanted to start a RSP savings as well. I said sure why not? Can't hurt right? As she was setting it up she turned to look at me and said "Should you be hit by a bus tomorrow all the money you put in here will move onto another person. Who do you want that person to be?" It wasn't the question that struck me so much it was rather he half blase half joking tone about the whole affair.

I remember watching the evening news with one of my friends awhile ago and it came on about how a suicide bomber had taken the lives of four people and injured dozens more. That was met with an equally blase statement.... "Only four? Hmm they got lucky."

It was one of those moments that I was glad I was me. I would not want to have that lack of perspective. Sure one hundred dead raises a lot more eyebrows but even one is too many.

My grandmother is dying. It's not the first time I've experienced this but this one is different. This woman was not a good woman. She is selfish, abusive and self-involved. About six years ago my family and her had what polite people might call a falling out. I was fourteen and we were sitting at the kitchen table. This incident was proceeded by months of manipulation and unrest. My little brother who was twelve at the time was playing with his food. Avoiding frozen store bought cabbage rolls. Can't say I blame him. She reaches across the table and brings her butter knife down against his knuckles. He gets up slams the chair into the table because no one does that to my brother. He doesn't stand for it. Right before he's about to walk away she pokes him in the stomach with her fork. All hell breaks loose. My grandmother tries to push him down the stairs that lead to the basement. Our designated "half of the house". My mother goes to stop her, my aunt goes to stop my mom and hands me the cigarette she was holding. I don't really remember how that whole episode stopped. All I remember is my uncontrolled screaming and the heat from that cigarette against my fingers. I hadn't been that scared since I felt the terror of my father raining down blows on my mother while I was in her lap.

That night after everything had died down and we were downstairs asleep she storms down drunker than hell. Stinking of rum. I don't see what happens because I'm in bed feigning sleep but I learn later that she was sitting on the couch beside my mom punching her in the face in her drunkard way. All I could hear was the "Are you going to hit me mother?" being repeated over and over. And apparently she was. We were packed off that night by my mom's boyfriend and I never saw her again. While the truck was being packed I was sitting with my brother outside looking up at the stars waiting for all this to be over. I hear sobbing and I look over at him. He's laying on his stomach with his head buried in his folded arms saying over and over "She better not hurt my hamster." Of that whole night that is what I remember most.

Its been six years since then. So she's dying now. Her liver is probably pickled. She wants to make amends. She wants to talk to us one last time. This is a woman who went from man to man letting every one of them beat or ignore or kick out every one of her four children. This is a woman who wanted to push MY little brother down the fuckin stairs. And because she's dying that means all of her sins are forgiven. My aunt says we should make peace. But frankly I think that's more than she will ever deserve.

I don't know if I will grieve her when she goes. I don't know if I'll ever forget her. But I know for sure that I will never forget that image of my little brother crying into his arms. And for that I know I will NEVER forgive her.

Death is a strange thing. It seems to humble us all. One thing I know for sure is that no more jay walking for this chick. If I get hit by a car in the crosswalk at least my mom can sue for wrongful death.

And that concludes our broadcast day.

*CLICK*

Yummy

2007-01-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda tired of feeling completely inadequate in every way. Every week I say that I'm gonna start focusing on getting healthy and graduating. Every week something happens and I convince myself that it is important enough for me to put my life on hold for. Well I'm sick of everyone else's shit becoming my shit. I've put my life on hold for five years. And now for once in my life I'm going to do what I need to do for me. So I'm going to post here and make myself accountable to all of the one person who actually reads this. Very Bridget Jones. Only I don't get Colin Firth in the end.

Or maybe I get someone equally yummy. Hmmmm. Could be fun.

Underestimated Innocent Romance

2007-01-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

People today are far too jaded. Romance doesn't always have to be strong and sexy. I want love notes folded into strange shapes. I want a mix tape filled with all kinds of music that makes that person think of me. I want a single flower that's not a rose. Love shouldn't be so hard. Little things every once in awhile to show your still thinking about a girl, ya know.

And these free loading women are getting on my nerves. When you go out to dinner or to the movies you pay your own way. If you live with someone you split the bills. If your partner has money you still work. You don't buy their birthday presents with their money. If they want to go to a buddy's house and play poker, be woman enough to let him go without him feeling like he needed your permission. Then don't feel smothered and controlled when he questions your girls night out. These women give me a bad name. If you don't love the person then leave. And only take your shit with you. You should only be with someone if you actually have feelings for them. Money should never be the reason.

And it may be juvenile but all those little tokens of love should be worth more than Chanel and Louis Vuitton. Besides those fuckin things are ugly. I'll take love notes and mix tapes everytime.

And yeah love can be strong and powerful and raw. Sex can be fast and hard and awe inspiring. But I think we spend to much time underestimating innocence romance.

Random Weird Thought Of The Day #2

2007-01-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

I wanna have sex. Completely unabashedly loud, dirty, raunchy hour long sex. In which I actually come.

Must be all that porny fan fiction.

I had A Dream Once

2007-01-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

I had a dream once that I was at some award show and I was back stage gawking at people. I saw Jason Lee walking towards me and said something stupid like "Hey, it's Brodie." He proceeded to yell at me for along time. Ranting about how he is more than just his characters. After he stormed off I bumped into Anna Nicole Smith and begged her to sign my combat boots with a silver gel pen. Then I woke up.

I love Jason Lee and all but I have no idea why Anna Nicole Smith was there. I think I watch too much TV.

When I told my uncle about it he just said, "Cool, you're gonna meet Jason Lee some day." As much as I would like that it's highly unlikely. Oh God! If I meet him do I have to meet Anna Nicole Smith too? That'd be a nightmare.

I Guess I Fucked That Up

2007-01-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

I had my entire New Years Eve planned out. I was gonna lock myself in my room with three seasons of law and order criminal intent, and more likely than not get myself all hot and bothered watching Vincent D'Onofrio and then have to take thing into erhm.... my own hands. Then I was gonna get all ironical and play 11:59 by Blondie at 11:59. How clever is that? of course i fell asleep three episodes in and was out by 10 o'clock. What self-respecting 19 year old is asleep at 10 o'clock on New Years Eve? God, How lame am I?

But seriously dude check out the hotness...

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i174/Pixie_Grrl/vincent.jpg

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i174/Pixie_Grrl/200px-Detective_Robert_Goren_-_Vinc.jpg

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE?????

2007-01-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been burdened by the fact that I am a complete and utter fuck up. But I've also been comforted by the fact that I am not alone. There are alot of us out there. People have been asking what I want to be when I grow up and so far all I can think of is that I want to grow up to be as cool as Storm Large.

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i174/Pixie_Grrl/storm06.jpg

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i174/Pixie_Grrl/storm04.jpg

But sadly I don't think I can make a career of that.

So what do i wanna do with my life?

I wanna rock! NA NA NA NA NA

First Against The Wall

2006-11-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

The midterm elections are over for the most part. One more senate seat to be decided and then be prepared for the recount backlash. Last night I was flipping through channels and saw a news update. The American people sent George bush a very loud message and the democrats had taken the House Of Representatives. I watched CNN for a couple hours but I gave up after the same numbers came scrolling across the screen and I couldn't be bothered. Plus the live "Midterm Midtacular" was on. This morning I woke to the shocking news that old Rumsfeld was resigning.

Yesterday had Barry Maguires' anti-war anthem "Eve Of Destruction" stuck in my head all day. Today I can't escape Matthew Goods' "If I Was A Tidal Wave". Check it out and fall in love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLCXFoTdUCw

If I Was A Tidal Wave- Lyrics By Matthew Good

'The Saudis are ever our friends and our allies
The President smokes cigars with their Princes on his lanai
And across the street a mother sleeps with her babys ghost
Wrapped in pink and spotlights

If I was a tidal wave well you know that Id
Rise up and crash your castle gate and leave you high and dry
Disappear you down this trail of busted years to ride the rails and goodbyes
Well my name is propaganda
And my mamas pain is propaganda
If I was a tidal wave
Id let the Union fall
Ya if I was a tidal wave
Id be first against the wall

Back in 1980 Mayor Young he sent the key
To the city of Detroit to praise the best of enemies
Who shook hands with devil, now he runs the DOD
And spends lives

If I was a tidal wave well you know that Id
Rise up and crash your castle gate and leave you high and dry
Disappear you down this trail of busted years to ride the rails and goodbyes
If I was a tidal wave
From coast to coast Id scream
If I was a tidal wave
Id wash this whole place clean'

And whattya know, the people finally screamed.

Noboby's Telling

2006-10-20T18:19:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been crawling with bugs. Everywhere I look there are these little black bugs. They circle me and I squirm away from them. I have the sneaking suspicion that I have died but people have decided it's in my best interests not to know. So nobody is telling.

Dreary Daze

2006-10-16T18:59:00.000-06:00

It's been dark here lately. I haven't seen the sun in days. Everything is wet and cold. There is something eerily beautiful about the wet squelch of leaves and snow that melts before it hits the ground. They say it's a low dose but every morning I wake up with my pupils large and the fog of an under the influence sleep. I learned that the world looks quite a bit better when you tilt your head to the side and squint. It becomes a sea of colours.

It's been dark here lately.

Sleeping Through My Own Death

2006-10-14T16:51:00.000-06:00

Some nights I am overcome with the feeling I will not wake up. I feel my throat close up and I fight to keep my head in a position that will keep me breathing. I try to stay awake as long as I can. I put music on and stare at the glow in the dark constellations above my head. I fight sleep but I don't last long. Those nights scare me but the doctors say I'm alright. Take the little yellow pills and the headaches will go away.

Last night was one of those nights. I woke up in spite of myself.

Random Weird Thought Of The Day #1

2006-10-13T00:08:00.000-06:00

I wanna be in love.

Giving Thanks In Emergency

2006-10-12T23:02:00.000-06:00

On the way back from the dinner of turkey giving I went numb again. And I mean physically, not the normal emotional kind. The whole right side of me felt like I had just been to the dentist. Not the first time but beyond scary plus it has that nice side effect of the splitting after headache. So on the car ride home I'm breathing it out when a hour later it hits again. Never happened before. I freak out and start hyperventilating. We drive to the hospital and I'm running around frantically looking for someone to help me because I can't breathe and I can't swallow.

Cut to two hours later I'm alone in the waiting room running back and forth from the bathroom on waves of nausea. I'm freaking out. No one is helping me. I can't see straight. So finally I my body decides I'm going to do something I haven't done in five years. I'm gonna puke. I finally make it to the bathroom door and it's fucking locked.

My knees buckle and I throw up in my coat. The nurse brings me a motion sickness bag when it's all over and tells me it's a good thing I didn't make to much of a mess. The coat went into a bag and sat beside me for another hour before the smell overwhelmed me and I had to leave. I never saw any doctor.

I guess the point of this story, pointless as it may seem is that through all this there was only one person who showed me any kindness. It was the security guard that came and put a comforting hand on my heaving back and asked me if I was okay. He gave me tissues afterward to wipe my mouth.

In small ways he restored my faith in people. There are good ones out there. Unfortunately they are cleverly hidden amongst all the assholes.

My coat went in the garbage. Mashed potatoes, gravy, bile and all.

Today

2006-09-12T23:24:00.000-06:00

Today I thought about cutting myself with a large kitchen knife. It's been a while since that thought entered my head.

Today I walked a little slower while I was crossing the street, hoping the mortorists would get fed up and run me down.

Today I spent a few too many steps in front of the ominous looking vans that usually have me running for the hills.

Today I thought it might be okay if I didn't make it home. I found myself checking for my ID. So the guys at the morgue could identify the body.

Today was a bad day.

Crazy Things Happen When Family Is Involved

2006-06-07T23:11:00.000-06:00

Life has been kinda crazy. Work and school and family. Three things I wish I could avoid every so often. You can't really quit your family. Some people you just don't talk to as much. Just when you think you've forgiven them for all the times they hurt or left you, they seem to show up and tear away the almost healed scab. And just like that the blood flows freely again.

So they show up. Rip your scab and take off again. But during the time in between the ripping and the taking off you think that maybe this time they will keep in touch. You are burdened by an overabundance then not so slowly you are left holding a hat in your hand begging for them to love you.

I don't know if that's how it works with most families but it's how mine operates. We are family when it's convenient for them.

Just a quick side note--- Tonight was the Bright Eyes show. I spent it eating 7-11 hamburgers and watching Dead Like Me with my mom..... it was a good night.

Over and Out

I'm Back.... (No, Seriously This Time)

2006-05-28T00:38:00.000-06:00

I'm back from my self imposed isolation. Life is easy to hide from when no one cares if you stay hidden. Since I have a pretty good idea about how many people actually read this.... no one, I'm gonna start treating this like a diary. I need to bitch to someone so the internet is going to bear witness. I'm going to try to update everyday. Even if it's just to say that life sucks and boredom is slowly rotting my brain. This is one of those days. Now on to the list.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(11 days) June 7 - Bright Eyes Plays "Reds"
(40 days) July 6 - Dashboard Confessional Plays "Skyreach"
(56 days) July 22 - Our Lady Peace Plays "K-Days"
(62 days) July 28- Ani Difranco Plays "The Winspear"

PS. The May 2cd OLP show was awesome. Second best show I've ever been to. The crowd was lame at first. No one but me, in my section, stood for the first couple of songs.

Updating The Un-updateable List

2006-04-23T03:38:00.000-06:00

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):

(9 days) May 2- Our Lady Peace Plays "Skyreach"
(97 days) July 28- Ani Difranco Plays "The Winspear"

You think I was pervy before?!? You aint seen nothing yet.

2006-04-23T03:29:00.000-06:00

Okay so I recently rented 'House MD' Season One. I have fallen completely in love with Hugh Laurie aka Dr. Gregory House. He was born in 1959. I was born in 1987. Do the math. Then take the time to consider that if given half the chance I'd give him a jump.

See what did I say? Yep, that's 28 years. Pervy!

I found this. Thought I'd Share.

2006-04-23T03:09:00.000-06:00

So a million years ago I decided that I was going to fix my life. Which as a side note I'm still waiting to start actually doing. So at four in the morning after a particularly violent crying jag I sat down and wrote this.

See I have this thing with making lists. I love them. Usually it's stupid shit, like that daily countdown that hasn't been updated in forever. I say I want to lose the acne and the weight and the bad attitude. This one however was a bit different. I found it today while I was looking through some of my lyric books. So here it is.....

I want...

to look in the mirror and feel beautiful.
to be somebody's somebody.
to know what it's like to feel truly safe with someone.
to know at least one true friend.
to fall in love more than once.
to have my heart broken and survive.
to find that one person I was meant to find.
to meet a kindred spirit.
to explore every aspect of myself.
to become comfortable in my own skin.
to look into someone's eyes for the first time and know them.
to put my feet in the ocean.
to fly on a plane.
to see another country.
to get at least one tattoo.
to write anything that affects at least one person.
to be part of something bigger than the sum of its parts.
to see as many concerts as I can.
to have a family.
to live some place warm.
to laugh hysterically for no reason until I cry.

Looking back it seems so strange that the me at 18 still wants all the things the me at 15 wanted. And I'm still making those stupid list. And I haven't lost the acne or the weight or the bad attitude. I know that most won't care about this list of what I want and that's okay. I think I just needed to be reminded.

Updates

2006-04-08T18:28:00.000-06:00

So it's been an exciting couple of weeks. Which was kicked off by the best concert I've ever been to. Matt Good playing the Myer Horowitz theatre may has well have been a religious experience when I caught a glimpse of my face in the plate-glass window on the way to the bus home. Great beyond many words. Dude, he played Hopeless okay? Nuff said. I just wish that my mum could have come with.

Which brings me to the greatest shock to my system. My best friend in the whole world left to work "Up Nort" and yes the H was omitted on purpose. She can make in one week what she did at her old job in a month. Downside being that she has to be in a prison-like camp 14 hours from home. Which may not sound like much but considering that I've never been away from her for more than a week in half my life it becomes pretty ginormous.

When she finally came back we went to the Rob Thomas concert. Which was interesting to say the least. The whole way there my mum was complaining that there would be too many of those "JLo" rejects we have affectionately named 'teenyboppers'. We soon learned that it was quite the opposite. I would hazard to guess that I was the youngest one there that was not part of a family foursome outing. No one stood. No one sang. No one screamed. Except us. We sang and were quite respectful by chair-dancing. Exiting the theatre we over heard things like "I can't believe that girl, screaming the whole time."

Well SOORRRYYY!!!!!!!!!! I was at a concert. They looked like they were waiting to go into a job interview the whole time. Other than that the concert was great. He was awesome and given the reception he got he will not be coming back.

I quit my job. My mum left again. I got another job today. Decided I must return to Spa Lady.

God, my exciting life sure is boring.

Hey All!

2006-03-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

So what's been up in the life of me? Not much. Work, School, Sleep.
Yep. Pretty Boring. With any luck something drastic will happen soon.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(1 days) March 23- Matt Good Plays At "The Myer Horowitz Theatre"
(13 days) April 3- Rob Thomas plays "The Jubilee Auditorium"
(42 days) May 2- Our Lady Peace Plays "Skyreach"
(128 days) July 28- Ani Difranco Plays "The Winspear"

Rant Acid Spills Like Bile

2006-02-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Okay I am here to break my silence. I have been rather neglecting. But as it sits there have been a number of horrible things that have come to my attention and since there is no one here to listen to me spew I guess you all get the honour. SO here goes:

On home soil, today police were called to an Edmonton home after a frantic man found his wife in the kitchen. Nine inch butcher knife in one hand and a bleeding whimpering German Sheppard at her feet. After a night of drinking this woman betrayed the trust that had been cultivated with this animal. For some unknown reason she stabbed this 10 year member of her family twice. Once in the forehead and once behind his ear. Mere inches from his carotid artery. The attack was completely unprovoked. As it stands now the dog is in recovery and the woman is walking the streets.

In Florida "Brokeback Mountain" is being used to condemn the gay community.
http://www.365gay.com/Newscon06/02/022706brokeback.htm
T-shirt are being made by a 'faith based' company which is taking a movie whose message was ultimately that love is love, no matter who or how, and using it to show us why we need reminding of that particular fact. I believe we can't help who we love. It is not a choice.

And finally in Guatemala the shit is hitting the fan.
http://365gay.com/Newscon06/02/022606guatamala.htm

I'm too furious to even begin this particular tirade. You try to do what's right and in the end you get a big pile of wrong.

So I carress the spot behind my kitty's ear and try to decided if it's better to be hated to my face or behind my back.

I'm off fume in private. Thanks for the ear.

Same Old, Boring Same Old

2006-02-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

So nothing much to report sports fans. Work sucks. School sucks and my feet hurt.
But big news in music: Ani's coming to Edmonton. That's right the goddess that is Ani Difranco is going to be gracing us with her presence. I don't know if you can tell but I kinda like her.

So in honour of this I will be reinstating an oldie but a goodie. So without further delay the triumphant return of...

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(2 days) Ani Difranco Tickets go on sale
(50 days) April 3- Rob Thomas plays "The Jubilee Auditorium"

Fuzzy Feelings For A Boy Crush.

2006-02-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Last night was the insane night that the director Kevin Smith was at the Winspear Centre for one of his famous Q&A's. Which as a side note was awesome and oddly inspiring. So I was sitting in my seat wearing my "Somebody In New Jersey Loves Me" tee when I look over and see of all people the guy I had the hugest crush on in the ninth grade. I got all silly stupid and couldn't stop glancing at him the entire time.

Then the intermission came and went as people got drunker and drunker. When he was walking past me he talked to me for awhile. I am so lame but that was the highlight of my night. But something else happened. Seeing him again made me remember what Jr high was really like. It was terrible. I was isolated, lost and failing for the first time. I managed to gain 70lbs. in six months and I was wallowing. But in this all I still had hope. I still believed in things. In myself, in the world, in my father. I was going places and I was going to fix my life.

So here I sit three years later and I still have the dreams. Everyone else is going places and I have my dreams. Things have got to change. I think my wallowing is finally done.

Plus he looked really really good. Me not so much. Must work on that too.

Lame=Me. Don't worry though I'm getting used to it.

Baby, The Bitch Is Back!

2006-02-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, after a long unintentional hiatus I am back to thoroughly annoy and educate the masses. All two of you, who actually read this babble. So, gentle viewer, in my travels I have come to this spectacular conclusion:

Working retail sucks up one side and down the other.

I have been an "Addition Elle" employee for about a week and a half. So far I have witnessed an amazing amount of glut. People have come in and spent $600 on clothes while their children wait in the car.

A person is capable of great things but people I have found are rude, messy, arrogant and cheap. Thus ends my insight into human kind.

Plus, all the blisters are just an added bonus.

Oh how I miss the sex toy business. People were much more laid back when I was working at "Source Adult Video".

Gone and Probably Forgotten

2005-10-14T15:00:00.000-06:00

Hey Everybody Who Cares Enough To Visit,

Life has been a crazy whirly-gig of fun. From my 16 year old brother commandeering the computer and making me "earn" the use of it to the fact that I went from being a totally unemployed slacker to working two part time jobs and going to school my life just got to a whole new level of sucktastic. But money's money and although I hate to admit it you can't go very far without it. The up thing about this job situation is one actually gives me the time to attempt that Great Canadian Novel that is stored somewhere in me.

As a side note, if you haven't seen Serenity yet I have only one thing to say to you,.... Why?

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(15 days) Nov. 29-31 - Matthew Good plays "The Starlite Room"

Apology Review Update

2005-09-21T15:46:00.000-06:00

Firstly I would like to apologize for the use of the phrase "Boo-Ya Bitches". It was the ill product of watching "The Chappelle Show". Coming from him it's hilarious. Coming from me ridiculous. Moving On......

The countdown is over and I have finally come into possession of "In a Coma". Keep in mind that given the terrible day I had yesterday that my reaction was not completely fangirl. Just mostly. Popped in the dvd before the door had even closed and I can I just say having the commentary for the videos was an inspired idea. After I had seclude myself in my bedroom started in on the cd's. The two new songs were without a doubt incredible. Then came the material the blew me away. The first two songs just happened to be two of my absolute favorite Matt Good songs. And if you have read the rest of this blog you will know that when I love something I am completely fangirl about it. So yah tears were beginning to well. But it was the third song that really kicked my ass. By the end of Generation X-Wing I was full out crying. Which I didn't manage to get control of for at least three songs. So the next two songs play and of course they are unbelievable but then comes my, hands down, favorite song. Prime Time Deliverance and it's acoustic. There is something about acoustic that I have always preferred. Probably because it's somehow more emotional, at least for me. Then to top it off you get "LOSER ANTHEMS" and "LO FI B SIDES". So this was pretty much worth the trip to pick it up. As a side note, I have a feeling that had this effort been attempted by anybody else the price would have been doubled. So all in all, it was amazing.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(9 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."
(37 days) Nov. 29- Matthew Good plays "The Starlite Room"

Boo-Ya Bitches

2005-09-19T16:07:00.000-06:00

I just got me a ticket to the Matt Good show on Oct. 29. Beyond Excited. Like I said,
!!!!!!!!!!Boo-Ya Bitches!!!!!!!!!

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(1 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(11 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."
(41 days) Nov. 29- Matthew Good plays "The Starlite Room"

Speak Out

2005-09-15T14:25:00.000-06:00

Violence against women is a subject that is very personal subject for me. It happens far to often and we have to put a stop to it. I would like to thank Matthew Good for this link to the amnesty website. Take a look and make your decision from there. http://www.amnesty.ca/voices/

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(5 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(15 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."
(45 days) Nov. 29- Matthew Good plays "The Starlite Room"

What Is This World Coming To?

2005-09-13T17:29:00.000-06:00

Read this and let your stomach be turned. Our society is so fucked up.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9319446/

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
( 7 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(17 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

So Close Yet So Far

2005-09-08T13:01:00.000-06:00

California was close to becoming the first state to legalize same sex marriage. But now it seems that the governor will veto the landmark bill. Could you expect any less? He is the Terminator.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9247775/

On another note the Serenity comic 3 of 3 has been released and I can't get my hands on it. Arhhggg!!!!!! And school is actually good. It's nice not to feel like a failure.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(12 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(22 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Deal in Such Strange Ways

2005-09-06T21:04:00.000-06:00

People react differently to death. I recently lost one of my uncles to cancer. My father decided that it wasn't necessary for me or my brother to attend the funeral. Before he passed away, my dad was all about us going so he didn't have to deal alone. I was planning on going. My uncle never liked my family. He insulted us every chance he got, he hit my brother and my mom. He wasn't a completely nice person. But I knew that my dad would need something there for him. We were going to be that. In two years my grandma, two of my aunts and now my uncle have passed away. You would assume that this loss would make a person rally all the family that was left and hold on tight. It is the exact opposite. People react differently to death.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):

(1 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.

(14 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."

(24 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Truer Words...

2005-09-02T18:55:00.000-06:00

"What has destroyed every previous civilization has been the tendency to the unequal distribution of wealth and power"---Henry George

"Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer" --- Oscar Wilde

Raine Maida's Starter Kit For Activists

2005-09-02T17:59:00.000-06:00

Found this and had to post the link.

http://www.chartattack.com/DAMN/2005/08/3103.cfm

Check it out. I think it's worth the five minutes.

2005-09-02T17:53:00.000-06:00

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(5 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.
(18 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(28 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Just Passing On Information

2005-09-02T17:49:00.000-06:00

I got this link from www.matthewgood.org :

http://www.atypical.net/mm/nagin.mp3

It's an interview with the mayor of New Orleans. Amazing. He is frank, impassioned and truthful. He is truly amazing, we need more politicians like him. He has some interesting insights into the hypocrisy of the American government.

Think Globally Act Locally...

2005-09-01T15:08:00.000-06:00

...An adage that is rarely taken seriously. How can you expect to change the world when you do nothing to help those around you. I'm saying this because one of the local radio stations (96X) had a contest that offered 20 thousand dollars to anyone that could bring Brad Pitt in for an interview (He's filming a "Jesse James" movie at Fort Edmonton Park). It caused an uproar and was deemed to dangerous. So the folks in charge decided to donate it to the Hurricane Katrina relief fund. A noble cause, no doubt. And by saying this I am in no way trying to diminish the tragedy of what has happened. I am only saying why not give some of that money to the Youth Emergency Centre, they could use any help they could get. Or how about the Battered Women's Shelter. All I'm saying is there are causes in our own back yards that are worth taking notice of.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):

(6 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.

(19 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."

(29 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

That's Right Sports Fans

2005-08-30T23:44:00.000-06:00

Today was the day. I got me the new OLP cd. Only listened once so far, and I'm already digging it ten times more than the first spin of Gravity. (Which I think got a bad rap. Song by song it's a pretty strong record.) My question is why of the last two albums this band has released, the first single is unarguably the weakest song on the record. It's almost like they're saying this is the least you can expect so everything you hear after will be a pleasant surprise.

Quick Side Note: School starts in two freakin' days. How lame is it that I want to go back?

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(8 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.
(21 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(31 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Nothing New

2005-08-29T03:09:00.000-06:00

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(1 day) Aug. 30- Our Lady Peace release sixth studio album. "Healthy In Paranoid Times."
(9 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.
(21 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(33 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Like A Diamond Herpes Is Forever

2005-08-28T03:06:00.000-06:00

I was taking this "test your sex knowledge" test on www.gurl.com and as horrible as it sounds me and my mom were joking around about the stats.

"One out of five of the total adolescent and adult population is infected with genital herpes."

I know that makes us terrible people but I just blurted the topic line out.
"Like A Diamond, Herpes Is Forever" in my best Spence Jewelries commercial voice and I had to write it here so I wouldn't forget it. Even if no one else agrees I think it's funny.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):
(2 days) Aug. 30- Our Lady Peace release sixth studio album. "Healthy In Paranoid Times."
(10 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.
(22 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(34 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Makes Ya Think

2005-08-23T17:08:00.000-06:00

So I get these daily quotations sent to me from http://en.thinkexist.com/. If they're any good I'll post 'em. Todays I liked.

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln

And I also really liked this one-- "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." --Anonymous

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):

(6 days) Aug. 30- Our Lady Peace release sixth studio album. "Healthy In Paranoid Times."
(14 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.
(27 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(38 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

2005-08-22T15:17:00.000-06:00

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):

(7 days) Aug. 30- Our Lady Peace release sixth studio album. "Healthy In Paranoid Times."
(15 days) Sept. 7- "Serenity" comic 3 of 3 is released.
(28 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(39 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

Growing Up....Growing Apart

2005-08-21T01:46:00.000-06:00

Today my dad drove up from Alix, Alberta to take me and my brother out for our b-days. Of course his girlfriend was in attendance. She's pretty alright, so no problems. Then we sit in a busy restaurant surrounded be other people's conversations staring at our drinks. I try to be extra nice to the waitress and feel guilty because I know she won't be getting a tip. Because that's how it is every time. They tell us about the garden, the weather, the new plans they have for the house that used to my grandma's. My brother sitting blissfully stoned and oblivious holds little help in the conversation area. I find myself telling him things that I didn't want to tell him. I tell him about the film directing course I want to take, that I'm going to the gym... ect. I don't want to tell him this because if I fail I know he's going to be the one that gives me the hardest time. In between biting critiquing and backhanded compliments there are more disturbingly uncomfortable silences. Never in my life, even in between fit of screaming, there has never been that kind of silence. And it unnerved me. Picking at the food at my plate I fight for things to talk about. Dinner ends with my brother finishing of my plate. The first time in over a year that I am sitting in a nice restaurant and I have no appetite. I give the waitress a small smile and rush outside before she finds out.

The four of us squeeze into the cab of the truck. More of that silence. We pull up to the apartment hug each other and I realize as I'm climbing the stairs that this was the first time I didn't kiss him goodbye. This leaves me strangely unsettled and as soon as I'm in the door I relate this story to my mum in a very uncondensed version. She puts it in perspective. She says "What is it Matt Good says?" I tilt my head and give her a questioning look. She glances over her shoulder gives me a small smile and says " At last there's nothing left to say." Before returning to making her coffee. Sometimes I can't believe it really is that simple.

Daily Countdown (Things I'm Excited For):

(9 days) Aug. 30- Our Lady Peace release sixth studio album. "Healthy In Paranoid Times."
(30 days) Sept. 20- Matthew Good releases a best of album. "In A Coma."
(41 days) Sept. 30- Wide Release of "Serenity."

You Can't Take The Sky From Me

2005-08-21T00:56:00.000-06:00

You scored as Kaylee, the Mechanic. Kaywinnet Lee Frye: tomboy and ace mechanic.Besides being super-cute, you are also adorable, which makes you a double-threat.I'll forgive you for choosing Simon over Jayne, but just this once.

Kaylee, the Mechanic

75%

Inara, the "Companion"

69%

Simon, the Doctor

63%

Jayne Cobb, resident bad-ass

44%

Captain Malcolm Reynolds

38%

Wash, the Pilot

38%

Shepherd Book

38%

RiVER

38%

First Mate Zoe

25%

FiREFLY QUIZ
created with QuizFarm.com

A Little Bit Of Catch Up

2005-08-19T03:06:00.000-06:00

Okay so much has happened in my absence. Some big happenings, for those who like to be up to date....

July 28, 2005
Arrive at The Northlands Fair Grounds at 6:30 pm. Spend the next two and a half hours listening to some complete backbirth go on and on about all the things he knows about the famous Matthew Good. Most of which I know for a fact was complete shit. 15 mins before the show starts he says something highly offensive directed at me and despite my best efforts my eyes well with tears. I'm sure that I'll be fine once the show starts. The first chords of "Near Fantastica" play and reverberate in my ears as I watch everyone around me stand on the bleachers. The tears I have been silently crying for at least ten minutes now progress to full out bawling. Now too nervous to stand with the rest because of what that dickhead behind me said I resign myself to only hearing with a "great" view of everyone else's ass. My mum, insightful as she is, knows that I'll be kicking myself forever if I miss this show so she pulls me up forcefully and gives me her resolve face. More proof of why my mom is the coolest. So there I am singing every word at the top of my lungs with tears drying on my face and wet eyelashes, looking every bit the pathetic fan girl you see screaming for The Backstreet Boys. Never the less Matt rocks as per usual. Placing this concert the best I've been to to date. Pretty much the best way to spend a night before a birthday ever.

July 29,
Waking up late I find myself greeting my morning well into the afternoon. Content in the knowledge that the real stuff isn't gonna start until around 8 pm. When me, my mum and my best friend are going to "The Roost". Over a bowl of Lucky Charms I am presented with two cards. On from my brother with the lovely signature...."Goat Ass Savage Unit"..... which if you knew my brother was compliment enough. The second was a Congrats on your baby girl card. Filled with things I'd never thought my mum would ever say. She even said she was proud of me. Warm fuzzy feelings abound. Then I notice that there are two tickets for the Avril (I'm a closet fan and it causes me pain to admit this) show that just happens to be tonight. Which is suprising because when I asked for these for my birthday she told me she loved me but not that much. Mum's are crafty creatures. SO cut to four hours later and I find myself on the floor. Yes that's right THE FLOOR. The only discouraging part is that I seem to be surrounded by 12 year olds and their parents. And for the first time in my short 18 years I feel old. So we wait the 1/2 hour thinking the opener is going to be no good. I notice everyone standing around holding blank faces and the "I Heart Avril" Posters they were giving away outside. Butch Walker, I now realize is one of the best live performers around. He is amazing and I know that seeing him was reason enough for going. He got everybody into it. Even the parents. And he did a cover of a Kelly Clarkson (sp?) song and totally kicked her ass. Then Avril comes on looking completely too skinny and bleach blonde. Her sound is terrible and reminds me of when me and my brother used to make people sound like "The Chipmunks" by pressing the pause button on the tape player only halfway down. Still I manage to frighten some parents by singing so loud they could probaly hear me and head banging at every available opportunity. With just two song left everyone leaves the stage except the lady herself. She sits behind the drums. Then comes Butch Walker screaming out the Blur song "Song 2". A great way to cap off the concert.

After we leave we decide to check out Klondike Days before we head home. We grab a drink and are about to leave when we hear Twisted Sister come on. So we spend the next 15 mins screaming "We Wanna Rock" and "We're Not Gonna Take It" with on-lookers questioning glances. I came home to be find a purple cake with the words "Happy 18th TurkeyFace" written on it. TurkeyFace being a quaint little nickname I've managed to acquire. And no, it is not a story I wish to share.*cheeky grin* So all in all it was pretty much the best 18th birthday I could have had.

So that's what's new. For further escapades you'll just have to come back every now and then. What a gripping life I do lead. *grin*

----TurkeyFace-Out----

Birthday Bollocks

2005-07-28T00:11:00.000-06:00

Since I'm going to be eighteen soon I've been thinking about birthdays and it occurred to me that turning seventeen is horrible. If only for the following reason...

When you turn...

12-you can be heard in a court of law. (which basically means you are finally considered a person.)

13-well that obvious really. Thirteen means you're finally a teen.

14-you can apply for your learners permit and it is also the age of consent in Canada. Meaning of course that you can sleep with anyone you want. Even that 30 year old friend of your parents.(how many levels of wrong is that?!?)

15-you can legally work. Yay you.

16-Well for reasons still unknown to be Sweet Sixteen is a big deal. And lets not forget that by this birthday you can even endanger others by getting a full fledged license.

17-????

18-please booze, smokes, gambling, marriage and lets not forget that pesky civil responsibility of participating in the (?)democratic(?) process.

So my point--- On 17 you get screwed. Nothing all that special. Just a reminder that you are a year older and big pat on the back for you, you're still breathing. This is just yet another micro-rant that has spilled onto here because it's too late for me to use that small rational part of my brain. Which I know most people will ignore.

Oh it's 11:11. Make a Wish.

Time For A Mini-Rant

2005-07-16T13:46:00.000-06:00

According to this article,

"Suicide bomb attacks in Iraq have averaged at least one per day since the announcement of a new government in April, according to data gathered by the US military."

My question is, why does it take tragedy in our backyards or those of our supposed allies to force people from their apathy? Everyday people of this world are dying. And more and more I find myself asking why. In my mind there is no reason or excuse for a human being dying when it can be prevented. Everyday in Africa, to AIDS alone, the world loses two times the number of people that were taken on 9/11. That is a horrific thought that I think most don't stop long enough to contemplate what it means.

Up until recently I was one of these people. Head blissfully stuck in the sand. But here I now gasping for air and choking on that sand. Stunned that I am partially responsible for more than I care to admit. I am a consumer. I am a slave to the idiot box. I am worse of then some but better than most. Sure there are weeks where I know it's going to be a bad food week. Bills are paid far to late. Eviction looms over head because of my brothers violent tendencies that leave holes in hallways. But know more than ever I realize how lucky I am. Because there is still always something to eat and at least one person I know would do anything to protect me. So I am finally learning to be grateful and that sadly there are far to many that don't have that.

And yes I believe that every man, woman and child hurt by the actions of another deserves a moment of silence. They deserve a vigil and a remembrance. But what they need more than that moment of silence is never-ending noise. Those who can stand up for them need to with voices raised. The cycle need to stop.

So I am going to take that moment of silence then I'm going scream at the top of my lungs.

This Totally My Next T-Shirt

2005-07-07T22:30:00.000-06:00

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Peep This

2005-07-07T13:41:00.000-06:00

Found this cool thing that is so spot on it borders on creepy...

Your Birthdate: July 29

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature.
You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world.
You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities.

The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension.
This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer.
You do, however, work very well with people.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Much To My Chagrin

2005-06-26T17:03:00.000-06:00

I have officially sold out. Prepare yourself for this shocking revelation.

I am a Spa Lady.

I have joined the soulless corporate conglomerate. And yes I was sucked in by the vanity that I have been exposed and inundated with. Hence the newfound sell-out status. So I figure since there's probably no one reading this anyway I plan to speak freely and maybe at times be embarrassingly frank about the new changes I am going to start making. I apologize to anyone who may have accidentally stumbled upon this and are now subjected to this or any future rambles.

Edit: I have learned this Family=Trouble+Headaches. But ya love em anyway

Life.....Don't Talk To Me About Life

2005-05-29T14:49:00.000-06:00

Life has been pretty crazy as of late and I have a feeling the fun is just beginning. On Wednesday all my family is converging on our cramped two bedroom apartment. Course there is the one uncle how has been "temporarily" living with us for the last five months. Then there's the aunt I haven't seen for two and a half years flying in from BC. Then there's the aunt that is coming to visit from Taiwan with husband and two kids in tow. For two years it was as if I had no family at all and now I'm burdened by an overabundance. But as much worry and stress that is seeping its way into my psyche it doesn't overshadow my excitement. I'm literally bursting with fruit flavour. If you have the chance let your family know you like having them around. It's almost a given that they love you but liking you is something that is not a prerequisite.

Peace Love and A Toothy Grin,
Chrissy

P.S.--- I apologize in advance for the self-pimping but if you like "Queer as Folk" Fan fiction . pop over to

http://qaf-fic.com/atp/index.php

or
http://www.always-fanfic.net/

and check out my stories. Sorry but someone's gotta read them. {wink} XOXOXO

Friday The 13th...Nothing New

2005-05-14T23:00:00.000-06:00

So as usual Friday The 13th went off without a hitch. Today was a completely different story. I have this theory that has been proven since I was nine years old. Everyone worries about the dreaded Friday and a large collective sigh of relief is released when it's over but a little talked about fact is that the Saturday following said horrid day is riddled with events that can only be described as bad. So far there has been twelve fires reports with 13 needless deaths and dozens left homeless. Lately though I think that these things happen all the time but manage to fly under the radar while we worry about the trivial things like T.V. and *shudder gasp* the fact Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are the latest hot couple. But whatchya gonna do.

Falling Hard

2005-04-27T12:33:00.000-06:00

So the Killers show was last night. One that I have been eagerly anticipating for months. It was an okay show. The sound was awful and so were the people I was surrounded with but I had fun. Even with the bruises and the split lip I got from somebody bodysurfing when he fell on my head. So two things fell hard last night. My expectations was one and the second was me. I am head over heels in love with Brandon Flowers.

No Suprise There

2005-04-25T14:50:00.000-06:00

Lies, Lies Lies, Which Are Good Which Are Bad...

Advertisements are lying. I read an artice in yesterdays paper that said the CCT (Canadian Concil Of Tourism) is advertizing in us magazines and website encouraging gay americans to choose Canada as their vacation destination. They claim the Canada is "gay friendly". Which considering the social climate I think is a lie whereever you go. Nowhere I go seems to be. Not even my own house. Encourage people to come here because I think it's a great country but don't lie to people. It's happening far too much as it is.

...Ask Your Mom Or Ask Your Dad.

2+1=

2005-04-25T13:35:00.000-06:00

Two days and one more sleep. I'm like a little kid at Christmas. For the rest of the day Hot Fuss is going to be on repeat play. The killers at the shaw conference centre. It's gonna be a good show.

happy happy joy joy

Somebody Told Me

2005-04-24T16:02:00.000-06:00

I bought tickets for The Killers concert in November. The concert is on Tuesday and I have been able to contain my excitement so far because if I've learned anything its that if you put something like that on a pedesal it will fall, hard, flat on its face. So yeah I have successfully put it out of my mind for the most part. But today while I was doing my daily surf I read a post on Jenny Good's blog about the show she went to last night and the general awesomeness of it so now I'm beyond amped and I still have to wait three days and two sleeps.

You Look Like A Monkey And You Smell Like One Too

2005-04-19T02:29:00.000-06:00

It my mummy's birthday today. She's turning 38 and she's already convinced she's over the hill. But she isn't even close. If it weren't for today I'd of never been born. Well anyway happy birthday mummy. xoxoxoxo

Oh How The World Has Changed

2005-04-18T17:30:00.000-06:00

From 1946-1962 "Norma Jeane Mortensen Baker" was considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. To this day she retains that title to some degree. She was in thrity films in her sixteen year career. Clark Gable once said, "She is a kind of ultimate. She is uniquely feminine. Everything she does is different, strange, and exciting, from the way she talks to the way she uses that magnificent torso. She makes a man proud to be a man." You might know her... See Last Post...

Today being a size 12 is considered by most to be "big". Marilyn Monroe was a size 16.

2005-04-18T16:27:00.000-06:00

Marilyn Monroe

The State This Land Is In

2005-04-15T16:54:00.000-06:00

The Rant of The Day...

I think we all need to take the time to realize that people are people and we shouldn't expect more from them. Don't get me wrong, I know that humans have unbelievable ability to love, to hate and to make a difference. But they are also weak and fallible. We make mistakes and judgments. There really is no such thing as true good and evil. We all have the ability to be both those things, in spades and concurrently. As noble as I like to think I am I have recently come to realize that if I don't make the right choices when it matters that doesn't make me less. I am what I am. And its all I could every want to be. Human.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

It has recently been reported that John Travolta and Tom Cruise have both praised the popular religion Scientology for something I never knew was possible. The pair have claimed that their involvement with this organization, made popular the world over with Hollywood elite and people rolling in the dough, has helped them overcome their own homosexual leanings. I have but one word to sum up my anger at these comments and the insinuation they bring...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!?WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Cookie to Carrot

2005-04-14T14:28:00.000-06:00

Well it would appear that The Cookie monster I grew to love will no longer enjoy the sugar filled treat. He will give up his namesake for the wonderful world of veggies. Apparently the owners and operators of beloved SS have decided that the consumption of such sugary snacks will encourage the youngens to abuse said cookies and therefore he is directly responsible for the overweight children that watch him evevy week. I am overweight and it has nothing to do with the fact I like the Cookie Monster.

I Am What I Am

2005-04-05T03:17:00.000-06:00

I may not be the person I want to be. I may not have all the things I need. But I for one am tired of the assumption that is forced upon me. I know what I need to change but that doesn't mean I need to make them now. How can anyone expect me to be done growing when I've only had seventeen years to do it. As far as I'm concerned I'm still fairly new. I may live to be a hundred years old and see pudgy great great grandchildren. I may also know my last breath tomorrow. If that was to happen I won't want anyone's tears. If anything I want them to smile when they remember me. Not many people will remember my name but the few that will I hope will remember it fondly. That's all I can ask. Rereading that I realize how that must sound. If I read it I'd think someone was about to top themselves but that's beyond wrong. Death has just been in abundance and has made me think. All the petty arguments and fool-hearty grudges are a waste of time. I have what many only dream. Parents that love me, people I can trust and more security than most will ever know. I now realize that money, power and greed are worthless. I have a voice. One that is begging to come out. So I will be heard. I'll tell it to anyone who will listen. Because for every hardship I come out of I am stronger for it. Based on previous posts this one seems out of place. Enlightenments usually are.

And just in case you're wondering what brought all this on it actually was the latest entry on Matthew Good's blog, http://www.matthewgood.net/mblog/ , and the subsequent comments that made me contemplate mortality. My comment went a little something like this:

I have to say that many good points have been made. In my humble, slightly uneducated, opinion we are fundamentally a society of hypocrites. We know inherently in ourselves that killing people for any reason is wrong yet if forced to choose between ones' life and the life of another the likelihood of you choosing self-preservation is more likely. We view stealing is wrong but we will if it means hunger will be sated. Even if it's only for a minute. I was raised with no religious teachings thrust upon me. This gave me the opportunity to decide for myself what and who I believe in. If heaven and hell do exist I think that man has no control. The thought of those things are both comforting and terrifying. People can live their entire lives in closets that shouldn't exist. We are a society ruled by fear. From what I know people believe that God has given us free will. In all of us rests the capacity for true evil or true good. The question remains which way do we turn. I think most spend their lives in the grey area somewhere in between. Faith through fear is wrong no matter who is behind the curtain. The apathy I feel my towards the pope's death does not make me a bad person. No more than my intense grief for another will make me any better. I am human, above all else. I am fallible and fragile and on occasion weak. But I am proud of everything I am and I cannot worship anything/anyone that doesn't feel the same.

I think I'm done ranting for now. Sleep is coming. TTFN.

The Seedy Underbelly That Is...

2005-03-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

... Children's' programming. I just watched "Death To Smoochy" and I have to say it's one of my new favorite movies. It was hilarious but it also made me think. If I found out now that Mr. Dress-up was really a terrible person who yelled at the kids and kicked dogs my whole world would be rocked. It made me realize that what we grow up with is so ingrained in us that to have that small foundation rocked would be awful. For the record I know that the late great genius that is Mr. Dress-up was genuine. I was just using my own experiences to make a point. The world is a worse place now that he is gone.

Can You Say Pervy?!?

2005-03-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

Sticking with the "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" theme of my previous post I would like to say that I am slighty leaning toward the pervy side of my sevententh year. Now you probably aren't asking yourself why I say this so you might not care but I'll tell you anyway... I am totally in lurve with James Marsters... that would be the James Marsters of Buffy fame. That's right I said it. I have a crush on a guy that is old enough to be my dad. Literally. But I say it loud and proud.

!!!!!!!I'M A BIG PERV!!!!!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Such A Dork

2005-03-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

I just spent sixty dollars on the final season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I watched it in two days. I love the shows on DVD phenomenon. Cuts out all the commercial bullshit of visa and mastercard advertisements.

DVD Set- Price $60
Time Spent In Buffy Induced Semi-sleep state- 2 days
That Time Spent Without Mind Numbing Commercial Brainwashing- Priceless

........................................

And finally let me reiterate......I'M A BIG GIANORMUS DORK!!!!!!!!!!!

The End All Be All Equal Marriage Commercial Spot

2005-03-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

Check This Out.

http://www.equal-marriage.ca/

And Scroll down to "Urban Landscapes".
Just one view that makes one hell of an argument.

Hollywood Remakes

2005-03-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that the Hollywood bigwigs are more content to remake mediocre movies from the shows that help shape the seventies generation than to actively pursue fresh new ideas that Hollywood sorely needs.

......But I did enjoy Starsky and Hutch........

Anytime you feel the need to put me out of my misery feel free.

I Can't Believe It

2005-02-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind won for best original screenplay. Finally there is some justice. Although I did lose all faith in award shows when Eminem won an Oscar for "Lose Yourself". I was surprised that the Passion didn't win anything. I never saw it but from what I heard it seemed Oscar-worthy. But as my mom pointed out the powers that be may not have wanted him to talk. Too risky.

Another ray of sunlight although they didn't win, Before Sunset got nominated for best adapted screenplay. That made me smile.

This May Sound Terrible But...

2005-02-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a little bit tired of this guilty sinking feeling that has seems to follow me, looming like a cloud all for one reason...

.The colour of my skin.

I am not in anyway racist nor do I discriminate or think less of people that are different than me. So I found out that I am not to be afforded that privilege in return. If you've read my profile you know that more than anything I want to be a journalist. While I was at my local library the other day I picked up a "Together" magazine. It preports itself to be an effort to encourage multiculturalism in my community. So I wanted to get involved. Today I had the displeasure of meeting the people who run the show. Who told me, after many sideways glances, that my services would not be needed. They used a lot of big words and quite masterfully slung their bullshit but it seems as though I was excluded for one reason. One because I'm WHITE!!!

Once again hypocrisy rears its ugly head and once again I am left with the short end of yet another stick. This time I am very close to the end of my rope.

Witness In Awe The Orgy Of Greed And Thrift

2005-02-22T01:19:00.000-07:00

As some know today was the bank holiday(stat. Holiday) known as Family Day. To my knowledge it's only recognized in Alberta. Well last week me and my mom where driving past the Value Village near our house when we noticed that a sign advertising a 50% off sale. So we decided to check it out. Not like we had much else to do. We were not partaking in any of that silly family bonding junk. And apparently no one else was either. After spending about 15 minutes trying to find a place to park we spent the next two hours stuck in a small barn-like structure with about five hundred angry irritated thrift shoppers. Don't get me wrong I love VV and thrift store shopping in general and I never really understood the snobbery that went hand in hand with people who thought it was shopping for the lowest of the low. Which I guess I could be seen as such being that my family falls into the lower tax brackets. (Sorry that's the embittered poor girl peaking through.) But after spending a total of three long hours stuck in this venture with people giving me dirty looks and hitting me with their carts I am hard pressed to remember why I liked shopping there in the first place. Three hellish hours and all I got out of it was a pair of shoes for $1.50, a back full of bruises and a small glimpse of the fast falling demise of society. Hip Hip Hurray for consumerism!

OH MY GOD!!! The World Is Coming To An End...

2005-02-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

...George Michael has decided to "quit" pop. What the hell am I going to do now?

http://entertainment.sympatico.msn.ca/celebs/articles/1038492.armx

Just a Quick Side Note

2005-02-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Censorship at its finest.

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1108842790068_6/?hub=Entertainment

God Help Us. Even Canadian Customs is homophobic.

Lets Just Jump Right Into It

2005-02-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

I came across something that made my stomach turn. It served as a reminder that though I would like to hope otherwise the world we live is a place where all of our priorities are out of whack. Read this article and revel in the ignorance that is the human race...

http://sympaticomsn.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1108830692002_6?hub=topstories

In a time where there is insurmountable loss of life all over the world it saddens me to that such importance is placed on a fifteen second commercial spot used as an effort to promote universal equality, despite who and how you love. Worry about the single mothers that have to go to the Food Bank to feed her children despite the fact that she works two steady jobs. Worry about the kids in the third grade that wince when they sit down because of their fathers belt. Worry about the fifteen year old kid that in held up in my brothers' room because the Youth Emergency Shelter is full and he has no place to go. Worry about the hooker that had to be chipped out of the snow, less than three weeks ago. Worry about the grandparents that are getting abused in retirement homes. With all these issues that need their worry people are more concerned about two people wanting to profess their love in front of their families. I have a sneaking suspicion that if the glbt community was afforded the rights that the average straight person is afforded they might respect the sanctity of marriage more than that sad straight person. Because for so long they weren't lucky enough to considered human.

A Blogging Virgin

2005-02-19T03:51:00.000-07:00

So this is obviously my first time posting. But moreover this is my first blog so please bear with me as I try to navigate the tretcherous waters I have decided to immerse myself in. Don't worry I will subject you to my crazy mixed up ideas in no time flat. Once I have the technicalities down. So I guess you should worry. . . . Be Afraid!! Be Very Afraid!!!! MuhHuhHun.

Okay I'll leave you alone now.
(I will now retreat back to whence I came)