Meeting Of The Something

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day. I've got a possibly life changing meeting to go to. this may in fact be the something drastic that's been looming. More later. Holding your breath will only lead to a little nap and a big headache.

Around My Finger

As I come around my finger I realize it's been far too long. The blinding white behind crossed eyes, the deafening silence that drowns out the sirens and proof that I'm still able to feel this have all been missed. The first time I'm left alone for months and the pull is incredible. For a moment the wait was worth it. I can feel my heartbeat in my bottom lip. For once in so long all I can hear is the wind through the curtains, the Matt Good on the stereo and the beating of my own heart.

There's peace in this moment. I look up to smile at the blue sky and the clouds.
Peace. What a novel concept?

Rain

Today the rain came. Lightning gave us warning. We stood on the balcony four floors up watching the storm roll in. We look up to the tip of this five story tree. My insides squirm and cervix contracts. Heights bring out the sex in me. We all get that tingling feeling when we're in past our heads its the same feeling I get when I'm on my knees with his hand on my head. The thrill, the fright. the fear. Waiting for the storm to come. Lightning leading the way. Hell they told us it would be sunshine today.

That's Called.

Having your face pressed against a wall against your will is losing control. Feeling the cold plaster against your tired face with someone you love screaming as loud as he can with his lips pressed to your ears is feeling alone. Feeling his palm pressing into your teeth, thinking about how easy it would be to finally draw blood and deciding that you'll only get it worse is feeling hopeless. Feeling the saliva and snot his snarling face has left in your hair is feeling degraded. Feeling his steps coming back right as you start to think it's over for now is feeling scared. Feeling him against the opposite side is feeling just as bad. Feeling no one knows how much that just hurt you is feeling worthless. Feeling that this is my baby brother screaming, causing the ringing and the crying well that's feeling unloved.

Today was a really bad day. I quit my job. That's called feeling useless.

The Number 20

Gone are the days where sitting around doing nothing feels good. Gone are the days of ten consecutive hours of tv. Gone are the days of writers block excuses. Gone are the days of quitting a job because someone said the wrong thing one too many times to me. Gone are the days of sleeping til noon. After all I'm an adult now.

With my twentieth birthday looming life is being reevaluated. Starting a new job tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.