I Am What I Am

I may not be the person I want to be. I may not have all the things I need. But I for one am tired of the assumption that is forced upon me. I know what I need to change but that doesn't mean I need to make them now. How can anyone expect me to be done growing when I've only had seventeen years to do it. As far as I'm concerned I'm still fairly new. I may live to be a hundred years old and see pudgy great great grandchildren. I may also know my last breath tomorrow. If that was to happen I won't want anyone's tears. If anything I want them to smile when they remember me. Not many people will remember my name but the few that will I hope will remember it fondly. That's all I can ask. Rereading that I realize how that must sound. If I read it I'd think someone was about to top themselves but that's beyond wrong. Death has just been in abundance and has made me think. All the petty arguments and fool-hearty grudges are a waste of time. I have what many only dream. Parents that love me, people I can trust and more security than most will ever know. I now realize that money, power and greed are worthless. I have a voice. One that is begging to come out. So I will be heard. I'll tell it to anyone who will listen. Because for every hardship I come out of I am stronger for it. Based on previous posts this one seems out of place. Enlightenments usually are.


And just in case you're wondering what brought all this on it actually was the latest entry on Matthew Good's blog, http://www.matthewgood.net/mblog/ , and the subsequent comments that made me contemplate mortality. My comment went a little something like this:

I have to say that many good points have been made. In my humble, slightly uneducated, opinion we are fundamentally a society of hypocrites. We know inherently in ourselves that killing people for any reason is wrong yet if forced to choose between ones' life and the life of another the likelihood of you choosing self-preservation is more likely. We view stealing is wrong but we will if it means hunger will be sated. Even if it's only for a minute. I was raised with no religious teachings thrust upon me. This gave me the opportunity to decide for myself what and who I believe in. If heaven and hell do exist I think that man has no control. The thought of those things are both comforting and terrifying. People can live their entire lives in closets that shouldn't exist. We are a society ruled by fear. From what I know people believe that God has given us free will. In all of us rests the capacity for true evil or true good. The question remains which way do we turn. I think most spend their lives in the grey area somewhere in between. Faith through fear is wrong no matter who is behind the curtain. The apathy I feel my towards the pope's death does not make me a bad person. No more than my intense grief for another will make me any better. I am human, above all else. I am fallible and fragile and on occasion weak. But I am proud of everything I am and I cannot worship anything/anyone that doesn't feel the same.

I think I'm done ranting for now. Sleep is coming. TTFN.